So for the first time since last Sunday I head outside, intent on getting some exercise. You see, the only reason I’m awake is because I decided not to go to sleep last night in the hopes of somehow turning this crazy sleeping pattern around. So, again, at the advice of my doctor Ariel, I go decide to jog or walk or whatever.
Whenever I put on these capris workout/sweat pants, I cuff them to minimalize ugliness, and always make sure to tie a handkerchief around my head so the locals know I’m exercising and not just looking totally ugly for no reason.
My ankles have always been weak (you know, because I’m fat), and they must have atrophied or something, because I can never run immediately without severe discomfort and this time took way longer. So I’m thinking, what am I, old?
And then, I kid you not, I see an old man trying to learn to skateboard. He’s not just plain old, he is at least eighty, and could be even older. He has on a dorky helmet and elbow pads, but that’s ok. He doesn’t have to look cool. He’s old. I think that’s the first time I’ve seen elbow pads since the nineties. (Discluding broom hockey. I’m talking the first secular public time since the nineties.)
So I try not to smile at the extreme unbalance of this man, because me and boards of any kind are no better. (And he’s old.) I bet he’s one heckuva skier anyway.
I turn the corner and walk a few more blocks, still unable to pick up the pace at all without protesting ankles. Then I see a man talking on a cell phone, and instead of waiting to cross the street at a completely unprotected corner when two cars are coming, he just jogs a bit. No stop sign, yield, nothing. Probably thinking, Oh, they won’t hit me, even though they’re going forty in a thirty zone. I’m jogging!
Hey, better than I can do, buddy.
But I find myself shaking my head at him, as if to say sadly, you stupid fool…
And then the first car that was behind him drove past me pretty slowly, because they had to break pretty severely, and the man driving is pretty darn good-looking, and I was accidentally staring at him, so I smile at him. It was the most flirtatious thing I have ever done in my life. Jeez, it wasn’t even a smile, really. It was a mankiller grin, if such a thing exists. I mean, I’m sure it was pretty unattractive, as I have not had a lot of practice, but still. It was totally awkward. I’m pretty sure there was a girl in the car too.
After about nine more minutes I jog for less than a block. Then I had home.
Pretty eventful compared to the rest of my week, ok?
I was surprised it was so sunny. I forgot about the sun.